So I took the kids to a same-sex marriage ceremony and reception on Saturday. Thought I’d give a quick recap in bullets:

  • The kids were fantastic. They had a ball, and that’s what counted.
  • I was grossly overserved. I lost count of the beers I had after eight, and I had at least four Manhattans. The scary part was that I remember everything and that I hardly felt drunk. 
  • The bullet above has me thinking that I need to stop drinking altogether.
  • The best thing about the whole event? The wedding party consisted of four dwarves. I shit you not. Two couples. 

So, in summary, a good time was had by all.


  1. I was almost motherfucking finished with this motherfucking post when motherfucking Tumblr ate it. Now I have to try to recreate it. 
  2. My kids and I will be attending a lesbian wedding this weekend. The ex is also going. She;s worried the kids are going to question why two women are marrying each other. I’ll tell you right now, all the kids care about is what kind of cake there will be, and, in the case of my daughter, if people are going to like her dress/scarf combination. That’s what they’re worried about. The way it should be. 
  3. I had to give out evaluations this week. One ended up taking an hour, with the employee spending 30 minutes of it with her back to me, sobbing into a pile of Kleenex. And it wasn’t that harsh, if you ask me. 
  4. The anxiety still hits me often. I’m getting better at finding methods to try to deal with it and make it pass sooner rather than later.
  5. Today is a blues type of day on the iPod here at work. 
  1. My daughter is supposed to go to a pool party tonight. With boys. She can’t decide whether to wear a one- or two-piece swimsuit. I can’t handle this. My suggestion? A burka or a nun’s habit. 
  2. My kids have spent most of the summer playing Wii or Minecraft. I need to get them outside. Stat.
  3. I want BBQ. Any kind of dead animal slathered in sauce.
  4. I went to active shooter training yesterday. It’s bone-chilling to be reminded that these types of mass shootings are on the rise year after year. 
  5. Someone was nice enough to find me a Diet Coke bottle with my name on it. I drank it. I wasn’t going to, but I couldn’t help it. So I’ve ruined the thoughtfulness of the gift. Now what I’m supposed to do with the empty bottle?

I left work earlier than normal yesterday so I’d be sure to make it to my therapist’s office on time. Turns out, there was a traffic accident on the major road I need to take to get onto the highway. The road was completely cordoned off. Three lanes of traffic had to be diverted onto a side street in a residential neighborhood where there is barely room for one car to drive each way. Amid all the sirens and fire trucks trying to get through the traffic as well, all I could think was, “For all this goddamned trouble, somebody had better well be dead.”

I’m empathetic that way. 

Okay. So in my quest to avoid isolation, and at the request of others, I went and downloaded Snapchat. I still have no idea how to use it, but I have it nonetheless. 

So if this is something that you’d like to join me on, I’m waynetooten” there. That’s with an “e” instead of an “i”, as my name was already taken.

Hmm. I wonder…did I sign up for this in the past and take the name already? No matter. If you wish to add me, please do. If you wish to let me have your Snapchat name to add, please let me know it as well.


mdae asked:

List 5 random facts about yourself, then pass it on to 10 of your favorite followers

I cannot begin to adequately tell you (even though I am trying to right now) how honored and flattered I am to be considered one of your favorites. Yours is a phenomenal blog and you’re an even more wonderful person. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Okay, enough of the mush for now. I’m going to cheat and make this my Friday Five as well. Sue me. But hey, enough of my yakkin’. Let’s boogie!

  1. I’ve performed at Carnegie Hall.
  2. I was at a bachelor party with Chris Farley, when he was still at Second City. Farley was jealous of the attention the stripper was getting, so he took off all his clothes and danced alongside her.
  3. I can only eat things in even amounts.
  4. I still remember my 7th grade locker number and combination.
  5. I had to do DUI field tests when I was 16. Luckily, I was completely sober at the time.

They’re not very exciting, but that’s five random facts. Now…to hunt down some favorites and send this to them…

Not the film. Although I will admit I enjoy the movie immensely (just don’t tell anyone—I have a rep to maintain).

Lately I’ve been noticing, mostly at the job, that I have periods of time where I suddenly can’t do anything. Sometimes it happens when I get a bit overwhelmed. Other times it happens for no discernible reason whatsoever.

I realize that I have things to do, but I can’t actually do any of them. I just sit and stare at the work I have to do. But it feels like I physically can’t do anything other than sit and stare. I feel like I’m glued to my seat—that I can’t even get up and walk around and “shake it off” and redirect myself back to the tasks at hand. I’m rooted. And now this has happened at least twice this week, while coworkers were in my office, trying to talk to me. So it’s becoming noticeable to others. And after a few minutes, the sensation goes away and I go back to work.

Does this happen to anyone else? Or is this just me being crazier than I already am?

Pretend-Thursday-Is-Really-Friday Five:

  1. In the nearly three years I’ve been at my job, I have never been so irritated at all of the ineffectiveness, indifference, and incompetency here. I’ve just been irritated all of this week. Thank God it’s a short one. 
  2. The other day, a female coworker came into my office and saw my dashboard before I could minimize it. Of course, what was on my dash? A particularly adult picture. Guess I need to use the “safe dash” option while I’m here. Luckily she and I are tight and she wouldn’t say anything to anyone. Still, I’m beating my head against a wall for being so stupid.
  3. With all of the rainstorms here the past week, the inside of the hard top of my Jeep has water in it. Every time I accelerate or have to stop quickly, there’s a sloshing sound. It reminds me of the ocean. And makes me have to pee.
  4. Three years ago today, it was 107 degrees where I live. Today, it’s not supposed to get above 65 degrees. 
  5. Medical marijuana is now legal here. We have the most restrictions of any other state. You can’t just get it for migraines or a backache, like in other states. I tell you this because I saw a posting for a job ensuring the sellers are in compliance with all of the state laws. I think I may apply for it. Then, when people ask what I do for a living, I can tell them that I hang out in weed shops all day. 

There are times when I still really miss my grandfather.

It just happened that I was in two separate situations yesterday where I mentioned him. I was talking to some coworkers, and they were complimenting my recent haircut. I basically keep my hair so short, it looks like I shave my head. I was joking with them that I keep it so short because I’m going bald anyway. I told them that if genetics are correct, I’ll be bald soon, because my maternal grandfather was bald at about my age.

Later in the evening, I was having a text conversation with a friend about ice cream. I noted that I put Hershey’s syrup on just about every kind of ice cream that I eat. That triggered memories of my childhood, when I would be at my grandparents’ house. I was always given vanilla or chocolate ice cream, and my grandfather would put Hershey’s syrup on it every time. He would take the bowl and stir and stir and stir the contents, turning it into what he called “ice cream soup”. He did the same for himself. He wasn’t supposed to eat ice cream, because he was diabetic, but he always had a small bowl with me.

He was a character as well. He smoked a pipe, but never wanted anyone to see him smoking it. We would pull up to visit him, and he would be on the porch, quickly hiding his pipe under the swing he was sitting on. His smoking was the worst-kept secret of the family. He would collect aluminum cans. He was almost obsessed with collecting them, stopping alongside the road as he was driving to pick up a discarded can. I only found out after his death that he never made any money for collecting all of these cans. He would fill bags of cans and leave them out behind the garage for homeless people to take and hopefully get money for.

My grandfather died in 1996. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to the realization that he was the most stable person in my life. There’s much more I could (and should) have learned from him.

Today is one of those days when I really miss him. 

That’s how long it took the IT department to replace a battery in my computer. They’ve been promising to fix it, and that it would take an hour or so to do it. I’ve been deleting my history and cookies daily and I haven’t used my flash drive, waiting for them to finally get around to it. 

Finally, today, it happened. It thankfully only took 15 minutes to replace, and I’m back in business. I can finally function on Tumblr in the way that I’ve been accustomed to for so long. Let the goofy gifs and offensive picture postings recommence here. 

By the way, who knew that computers have a battery inside them?

  1. I really miss our Thursday night chats. It’s my fault they haven’t happened recently. I promise to make it happen this Thursday.
  2. Thank you for letting me know you were following me. I’m glad you’re back. You’ve been sorely missed.
  3. I’m sorry you’re so down these days. I wish I could make it better for you. 
  4. You’ll always be my favorite hedgehog.
  5. Thank you for being there for me when I was really down and for making me feel better with your kik messages.

My coworker has about six of these on her desk at the moment. They look like cans of sardines, but it’s fucking TROUT.

Okay, I’m not a seafood eater, but if I was, I certainly can’t imagine eating it from a tin. Isn’t it supposed to be served fresh, anyway?

Has anyone actually eaten this? What’s it like?

It’s been an interesting weekend, to say the least.

Friday night, the ex’s car completely died. So Saturday morning, I had to help her get a new one. By “help” I mean I did all of the negotiations and co-signed the financing, because she doesn’t make enough money on her own. All of this had to be done before noon, because she had to work. She thinks I got a good deal for her; I feel like I still got screwed.

Sunday morning, I woke to a text from my sister telling me that my dad, who lives in Denver, was in the hospital being prepped for emergency surgery. I still don’t know exactly what happened, as my elderly mother later tried to explain to me what happened. He had his gall bladder removed—that much I know. But apparently there was some duct of his that was blocked and gangrenous, and his small intestine was tangled, requiring the doctors to put it back into place. I’m less worried now than I am angry. I’m angry because he has been in pain since WEDNESDAY night, and did nothing about it until Sunday morning.

About this time last year, he needed major intestinal surgery, where he waited for nearly three days before having to be rushed to the hospital. So one would think he might have learned his lesson. Apparently he didn’t. And for my mother to let him go that long and not do anything about it either makes me even angrier. I know there’s a fight to retain one’s independence as one grows older, but after the last time, they should have been in the emergency room as soon as possible.

But it’s hard for me to express my anger, because I’m so far away from them. I can talk until I’m blue in the face about what they need to do, but I don’t have the means to enforce it if they don’t call and they don’t tell me until after the fact. So I can be angry, but I can’t do anything to change the situation unless I move to them. And that’s not going to happen.

So, yeah…interesting. 

I don’t like feeling like I’m an afterthought. Yet, in most scenarios, I am exactly that. 

Case in point: today is a co-worker’s birthday. I could hear a group of people outside my door planning to take my co-worker out for a birthday lunch. I heard them ticking off all of the names of those that were planning on going. As I sat here, pretending to work (I have no motivation today, but that’s another story), they all assembled to leave. Then I heard the big bosses in my office being invited as well. They agreed, and the group grew. 

Everyone left, and the door closed. About five minutes later, I got a text asking if I was coming to lunch. Again, five minutes after everyone left. Clearly someone realized that no one bothered to ask me. I responded that I wasn’t going to make it because I’m not hungry and because I wasn’t invited. Call me stubborn, but I’m not going to go anywhere that I’m not invited. Or only invited after being forgotten. “It’s an honor just be nominated”? Bullshit. 

This snubbing seems to happen to me an awful lot, especially lately.

Oh, and did I mention the co-worker with the birthday is someone that I directly supervise?

I’m tired of feeling like shit—physically, intellectually, and emotionally. It’s definitely taking its toll on me. I need real life friends. People I can talk to face-to-face, have a beer with…that kind of thing. But I also have to be in a better head space in order to do that. No friendship is going to be forged by me complaining about my life from the start. And that’s where my head is. I don’t have anything but Debbie Downer-type of things to talk about these days. Which makes me a real party to be around, right?